This is a book about the future.  It is designed to record a moment in time, for our families, our communities, and our nation.  It is compiled with the knowledge that laws will change and that, someday, our families will blend more completely into the national fabric of American families.  That day has not yet come.

The stories contained in this volume are not political.  Instead, they are the stories we tell our children about the origins of our families.  Anybody with children knows that they love to hear about how they came to be.  Gay and lesbian parents, in particular, tell these stories early and often, so our children will feel secure about their self-worth and validity when they deal with people who “just don’t get it.”

This happens constantly.  Whether it’s the Kindergarten teacher who is leading the class activity of making cards for Mothers Day or Fathers Day, or the peer who insists a kid cannot have two daddies, society has a long way to come.  We recognize that this work is largely left to us as individual families to stand firm in the face of ignorance, inflexibility, and sometimes resistance.  This is why telling our families’ stories is so important.

The State of the Union

As of 2009, U.S. adoption law leaves our families woefully unprotected.  As gay and lesbian parents, we build our families in a variety of ways— through artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, surrogacy, county foster/adoption, and private domestic and international placement.  Just like all families, regardless of our origins, we exist in order to protect and nurture each other physically and emotionally.  Generally, gay people must adopt in order to establish a legal relationship to a non-biologically related child.

Without a legal relationship, we cannot do our jobs effectively.  Simple things like signing permission slips for school field trips and complicated things like making medical decisions in an emergency—a parent who is not recognized by the law is not a parent.  In daily circumstances, ranging from minor to tragic, our families suffer with anything less than full legal status.

“Marriage Equality” and “Adoption Equality”

Many of us are working to build awareness in our communities and pass legislation that will grant our families equal protection under the law.  We are active with the marriage equality movement, which is fighting back state constitutional amendments seeking to define marriage as “only between a man and a woman.”  We do this against the backdrop of federal legislation, the “Defense of Marriage Act” or DOMA, which the U.S. Congress passed in 2000.  DOMA upholds each state’s right to refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage recognized by any other state. Currently, six states grant marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples (Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Vermont).  In the handful of states that grant civil unions or domestic partnerships, adoption rights are not necessarily included.

Currently, only nine states (California, Delaware, Illinois, Indiana, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, and Vermont) and the District of Columbia explicitly provide adoption equality for gay couples. Eight states (Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, and Utah) prohibit gay couples from adopting.  In the rest of the states, 33 of them, it’s up to the judge, agency, and individual social worker.

Across the country, gay and lesbian couples must delicately navigate the landscape of our particular regional courts, seeking out sympathetic social workers and attorneys who will help guide us to judges with a history of approving gay adoptions.  Adoption court proceedings are not public and, in many jurisdictions, elected judges are glad to keep them sealed, so as to avoid scrutiny in the court of public opinion.  In most jurisdictions across our country, sexual orientation can be the factor that prevents us from adopting.

Ironically, single gays and lesbians can adopt in 48 states (not Florida or Utah).  Since family law is the purview of the states in our federal system, comprehensive adoption equality is tied to marriage equality.  All of the intricacies of state law that currently govern our legal efforts to legally protect our families will melt away once our right to marry has been established at the federal level.  Until then our path is much more difficult and expensive than for heterosexual families.

The Personal and the Political

Each of us must determine how involved we will become in political activism.  Our responsibility as parents is to protect and nurture our children.  As gay families, however, it is difficult to separate the personal from the political.

As childless people, single and coupled, we have “passed” as heterosexual in a multitude of situations—at the supermarket checkout, at work, and virtually any public gathering.  Most people have assumed at one point or another—and most of the time—that we are no different from them.  There is an unspoken privilege that we have enjoyed, being accepted by strangers in everyday situations.  This is the lure of the closet and most of us live there everyday, regardless of whether we are “out” to our families and friends.

Once a gay person has a child, the closet disappears.  In our current political climate, just leaving our homes as a family is political.  As much as we have become accustomed to “passing” in everyday interactions, we do not have the luxury any longer, for the sake of our children’s proper emotional development.

I was a stay-at-home dad when our son was a baby.  Although our numbers are growing, primary parenting by dads is unusual, especially in public during the workday.  Nearly every time we were out on errands or playing in the park, well-intentioned strangers would interact with Watson and many would ask,  “Where’s your mommy?”  Before he could speak, I would routinely answer for him, “I’m his mommy,” and smile.  The answer may seem glib, but any other might seem aggressive or defensive.

In a more prolonged exchange, I’ll explain that “Watson has two daddies” and further explain that we adopted him.

Now that Watson is four years old, he answers for himself, usually that he has “a Dad and a Daddy.”  Still confused, a lot of people probe further and let’s just say most four year olds have no filter.  Our son is more than happy to share every last detail of our home life, digestion and plans for this weekend.  All parents learn to find and then teach where the line is between public and private.  Gay families, perhaps, bear the additional weight of normalizing our lives for our children while preparing them for the potential negative reaction they might experience.

I have begun to explain to Watson after these interactions that people are curious about our family because, as a mixed-race family,  we look different from a lot of other families.  I talk about skin color and family structure-- how some kids have a mommy and a daddy, other kids have two daddies, or just one mommy, etc.  I prepare him for the questions.  They will continue to come his whole life.

If I brush off the question, “Where’s your mommy?” by ignoring it or changing the subject, my son will learn by my avoidance that there is something about our family to be ashamed of.

When Watson was a baby, rude questions from ignorant people were a weekly occurrence (“Was he a crack baby?” or “Where did you buy him?”).  It was difficult to keep my cool, but I controlled my anger so I could model the behavior I want him to learn--patient explanation or (sometimes) disengagement.  If I were to meet those questions with aggression, he would learn to do the same.  Parenting is deliberate, more so for families that are different.

All people are naturally curious.  Many are simply ignorant.  I believe that most questions come from a place of caring, so I smile and try my best to improve their understanding of our situation—and in so doing, I am improving the world in which my son will grow up.  One person at a time.

Telling Our Stories

Stories change over time.  As parents, we  are constantly assessing how our children can process details from their life stories.  Younger kids generally hear about when they came home from the hospital, how cute they were, and how happy everyone was.  As they get older, we add in details about conception and adoption.  A two-year old cannot fathom the details of surrogacy or foster adoption.  However, a four year old will have questions about his mommy or daddy.  Our stories adapt to provide them with the explanations that will allow them to fit themselves into the world around them.

As you read the stories in this book, keep in mind that they are snapshots of this moment in time, glimpses into the psycho-social development of our individual children.  Know that each story is deliberately constructed, tailored to the nuances of our homes.  In fact, they are intimate, reflecting the inner life and emotion of our families—something most outsiders would never hear.

Many people—strangers, friends, and family—ask why it is so important to be so open about our lives.  It is essential that we model the ideal situation for our child—that it is perfectly acceptable to be proud of our families, to know that we came together through love and that we will always protect and support one another—that we are worthy of the title of “family.”

Even if the rest of society has some catching up to do.

Thank you to all of the families who share their stories here.  May we all tell them frequently to our children and to the world.

John Ireland, Editor

Read some Sample Stories...